I Dream of Gabby with the Curly Brown Hair
by Scherzo Tarantula
Summary: My dear friend Gabby finds herself in the wide world of Skyrim with me, the Dragonborn. Join us in an adventure of intrigue, romance, suspense, action, and a few explosions! Caution: not for the faint of heart!


I was still groggy from getting up so early, so it took me a few minutes to remember fully where I was. The bed wasn't particularly comfortable, but it was warm and dry. Sounds of communion and conversation were coming from directly outside the door to my room, and my memory came back all at once. Ah, yes...I was in Riverwood. After my harrowing experience retrieving the Dragonstone for Farengar and the Golden Claw for Lucan, I retired early to a room I'd rented the day before from Delphine in an attempt to regain my strength.

I sat up and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. My stomach grumbled, irritated with me that I had gone to sleep without eating. I winced as my weight shifted as I rose. I was always sore the morning after a dungeon crawl - especially when that dungeon crawl nearly kills me in the form of a giant frostbite spider. I tried a half-assed healing spell on my bruised torso in an attempt to relieve the soreness, but I gave up. Moving around would make me forget about the dull pain after a while, and I had to get back to Whiterun.

I walked into the dining hall and made a beeline for the counter. "Good morning, Orgnar."

The burly man behind the counter looked up from the mug he was cleaning and smiled. "Morning. Sleep well?"

I shrugged. "Well enough. Is Delphine still gone?"

Orgnar nodded. "She hasn't come back yet, so you're lucky your rent covered you for last night."

"Give her my thanks when she returns. What's on the menu for breakfast?"

"I've got a rabbit stew just finishing if you're willing to wait a few minutes, or there are a few loaves of bread that have been cooling for a while now."

"I think I'll just go with a loaf and bread and...these apples any good?" I gestured to a bowl of four or five apples of varying colors.

Orgnar made a face at me. "Nope, they're completely rotten. See how rotten they look? I just keep them here on the counter as an example to customers about how rotten apples can look. You know, cause they're so rotten."

"Okay, okay, I get it. I'll take two."

I paid for my food and ate in relative peace. I was thankful that Sven was at work instead of in here. His voice was nice enough, but it got irritating hearing the same three songs over and over again. I looked around. There were relatively few travelers in here. Most were Riverwood's denizens enjoying their morning. I waved at Gerdur, who waved back. Camilla gave me a little wink when her brother looked away, and I just waved back at her.

Once I was done eating, I got my things together and walked out. My most recent experience in Bleak Falls Barrow told me that my body did not approve of my wearing solely robes. It demanded a little more protection than that. I walked towards Alvor, the blacksmith of the town.

"Morning, Alvor. How's the family?" I asked.

He looked up from the sword he was sharpening. "Ah, good morning. Good, they're doing good. How about you?"

I gestured at my robed form. "I just got back from Bleak Falls..."

"Ah I heard about that. You got Lucan's Claw back? That was very kind of you."

"Thanks, but my body disagrees with my choice of dress. I think I need something a little sturdier than robes."

Alvor nodded. "Don't you mages have magic that can do that for you? Make your skin like armor?"

"Yeah, but it still hurts like hell being smacked in the side by a greatsword. Got anything relatively light?"

Alvor nodded again. "Sure, sure. Let me find it...uh...here. Try this on." He pulled out a small set of leather armor pieces.

"Right now?"

"Yeah, just pull it over your robes."

I did, pulling on the boots and braces before cinching the cuirass over my torso. It was a little too big, but very close to my size.

"We can fix the size right here. Come here," the blacksmith said. He made a few adjustments to the straps on the side, and tightened a few loose folds of leather here and there. When he was done, the armor was snug and left plenty of maneuverability.

"This is perfect. I'll take it. How much?"

Alvor smiled. "Good, good. Um...here, I'll tell you what. I'll give you a little discount this time since you helped Lucan out, alright? Not everyday someone helps a stranger for no reason."

"Oh...uh...thanks, but you don't have to. It was no problem."

"Just give me 200 septims and we'll call it even."

"You sure? Alright, thank you."

With armor in tow, I headed back to the inn. Orgnar grinned. "Nice armor, kid."

"Thanks. I'm just here to get a little food for the road."

"Still got some rotten apples if you want."

"I do want. Thanks. I love me some rotten apples." I paid for a few more apples and some bread and cheese before heading out for good.

All right. Time to go to Whiterun. Farengar wanted this stupid rock, and I wanted to be rid of it.

-

It was on my way down the road that it happened. I was walking along, pack in tow, practicing a simple flames spell. There was a spot on the road just on the slope behind Honningbrew Meadery where strange things seemed to happen. Once, I ran into a talkative khajiit in robes there who called himself M'aiq the Liar. I also joined a circle of revelers and drinkers there, once. And on my way to Bleak Falls, an Argonian thief tried to rob me in that spot. There was just something odd about that particular location.

This time, as I approached it, I could see the figure of a young girl. Maybe twenty years old or so. She was facing away from me, crouched next to some flowers. Her clothes were odd. The colors were all wrong - way too bright and vibrant, a lot of clashing primaries and loud patterns. As I walked closer, I could make out that she-

OH MY DEAR GOD NO

I recognized that mop of curly hair anywhere. But...how did...where...why is she-

"Zach!" she squealed with delight when I got close. The voice, the hair, and clothes...and then she turned. No… It was Gabby.

Clad in bright turquoise shorts, an Adventure Time t-shirt that basically screamed at you, and neon green arm-warmers, Gabby looked like a freaking crazy person. She bounced up to me and wrapped her arms around me.

"Hi Zach! What are you doing here?"

I was stunned. What was I doing here? What the hell was SHE doing here?! "I...I um..."

"What's that in your bag? It looks heavy."

"Oh. Uh, it is. It's a delivery. I have to take it to a man in Whiterun."

"Where?" Gabby asked.

I hesitated and pointed at the huge settlement on the horizon.

"Oh okay. Sorry, lol. _My name's Gabby_," she joked. It was secret code for "Hi, sorry I'm a fucking moron, it's because I'm a Gabby."

"Gabby, how did you get here?" I took hold of her arm, immediately scared for her life. My little friend Gabby, alone in Skyrim, with no weapons, no armor, no magical skills, and no survival training.

She just shrugged. "I dunno. Mind if I come with you?"

"Gabby I need you to listen to me very carefully."

Gabby nodded and immediately looked in another direction, distracted by a bird flying above some trees.

I snapped my fingers in front of her face. "GABBY."

"Huh, what, huh?" She looked back at me, all smiles. Good God, she was going to get herself killed.

"Gabby, listen. I need you to stay with me at all times, okay? I mean it. It's really dangerous out here, and I need you to stay by my side."

"Okay, let's go!" She immediately started skipping down the road towards Whiterun.

I sighed and trotted after her. At least the roads weren't too terribly dangerous.

We walked a good ways before my patience was really tested. I had been trying to explain to her where we were and why she needed to stay with me, but I don't think she was listening. She giggled and gasped at a few of the animals that crossed our path, foxes, bunnies and the like. At some point I looked up and saw a small pack of wolves off the side of the road. They were far enough away that we should be safe as long as we were careful.

"Zach, look at that!" Gabby shouted out of nowhere.

I was instantly alert, readying my magic for battle. "Where? What is it?" I was prepared for the worst. Was it a bear? A giant? A dragon?

Laughing, Gabby went chasing after it. A fucking butterfly. "God damn it, Gabby."

She didn't hear me, chasing after the fluttering insect like an idiot. Right off the road and towards the gang of wolves. "GABBY YOU WHORE GET BACK HERE."

I immediately started throwing firebolts at the wolves, praying that they wouldn't hurt my stupid friend. I was sturdier than she was. One bite and she'd be down for the count. For her part, Gabby seemed blissfully oblivious to the danger she was putting herself in, and it looked like she was completely unaware of the rushing balls of fire that were only just missing her. The butterfly seemed to be keeping her entertained. The wolves growled and began to circle around her, avoiding my magical attacks. I ran closer, dualcasting a simple flames spell. The smell of burning fur and scorching flesh filled the air as the wolves died one after another. When the last one fell with a yelp, Gabby looked around.

"What happened?" she asked, grinning like a moron.

I was furious. I stomped up to her and reached for the butterfly she'd been chasing. Her smile was replaced with a look of horror as I ripped the little insect in half and stuffed one of the wings into my mouth.

"What are you doing?!" she screamed at me, disgusted at my behavior.

I gestured to the burnt wolf corpses. "Saving your life, you dork! I told you to be careful!"

She looked around. "Oh. Oops. Sorry, lol. _My name's Gabby_."

I screamed internally. This was rapidly becoming the most frustrating escort quest I had ever taken part of. "Let's just keep going. We're almost to Whiterun. At least inside city walls you'll be marginally safer than out here."

We continued on our way, with Gabby talking incessantly and me nodding and assenting to whatever she said. Anything to keep her occupied so she didn't wander off again. The next bit of trouble happened later down the road, closer to Whiterun. I saw it happening and panicked immediately. Three members of the Companions, Farkas, Aela, and Ria, were fighting a giant. A freaking giant.

_No_, I thought. _No no no no no oh my god no Gabby please don't-_

"Hey, what's that over there?" Gabby immediately began haphazardly running like a lopsided giraffe towards the fight, her limbs flailing all over the place like Phoebe from Friends.

"NO GABBY GET THE FUCK BACK HERE."

I might as well have screamed to a draugr. She ignored my completely and ran into the little crop field in which the battle was taking place. Farkas looked down at her and his eyes widened. The giant took a step closer. The bear of a man wordlessly picked Gabby up with one arm ("Hey, what're you doing?!") and ran towards Aela, depositing her next to his shield-sister. Aela glanced at Gabby for a brief moment before nocking another arrow and taking aim.

"Gabby, stay there! Don't move!" I yelled as I began hurling fire at the giant. It screamed in rage, driving it's club into the ground, barely missing Farkas. The ground shook with its attack.

I was getting low on Magicka. To preserve my energies, I switched to a simple flames spell, which cost a little less of my mental fortitude. Farkas dived at the beast and swung his mighty greatsword at one of its legs, while Ria deftly swiped its club arm with her sword. I focused my flames at its face, trying to kill it as fast as possible to mitigate any harm it could inflict on Gabby.

"Zach, don't hurt him!" I heard her cry. The next thing I knew, Gabby had wandered directly in front of the flames spewing from my hands. "Oww, that's hot!"

I screamed in frustration. I grabbed her and flung us both onto the ground, barely avoiding a swing from the dying giant's club. I immediately switched to a frost spell and aimed my hands at Gabby's burning hair. The ice was far too cold for her, I know, but it was better than her going bald or getting third degree burns. Aela shot one more arrow at the giant, catching it directly in the eye. The arrow must have pierced through to its brain, because it fell over, dead, almost as soon as her shot hit.

Gabby and I got up slowly. Her hair was covered in frost. "What the fuck, Gabby?! Why did you just walk in front of my spell like that?! You could have died! Again!"

"Oh, oops. Sorry, lol. _My name's Gabby_." She got up and dusted herself off as though nothing had happened.

Farkas gave me a look of complete shock and amazement. Aela looked as though she had tasted ass, and Ria just looked confused. I gave them an irritated shrug that said_ I don't know what to do with her either._

"Let's just go," I said, grabbing my friend by her shoulders and steering her towards the city gates.

-

Gabby never left me as I continued adventuring, nor did she ever fully internalize the concept of self-preservation. She was there at the Western Watchtower, dancing some stupid anime dance at the top of the tower as I slayed the dragon that was terrorizing Whiterun. She was there as I climbed the 7,000 steps to High Hrothgar to meet the Greybeards, complaining every 30 seconds that her feet hurt. She was there picking flowers near Riften, singing the Adventure Time theme song to herself as I was nearly mauled by three cave bears simultaneously. She was there in Windhelm doing cartwheels in the streets as I fought off two crazy Miraak cultists from Solstheim. And she was there in every ruin, crypt, cave, and temple I traversed, seemingly going out of her way to press every button and pull every lever and chain she could find, paying to heed to my screams of agony as I suffered through whatever booby trap or ambush she activated.

I was going crazy. At some point I knew I was going to snap and just kill her. I never knew what inane idiocy she was going to perform in spite of the danger she was always in. And yet, remarkably, she never actually seemed to get hurt. Whether by luck or by my constant interference, she was never injured or wounded. I just didn't get it.

It was while we were in Solitude that everything really went sour. I had dragged Gabby there with the intent of talking to Jarl Elisif about the rumors I'd heard of Wolfskull Cave, and maybe finding a children's daycare or something to keep Gabby entertained while I worked. It was almost sundown by the time we finally walked through the city gates. I was just glad that Rogvir's execution was over and done with, so Gabby didn't have to see it. I don't think that even she could handle that, despite what she'd survived here in Skyrim's wilderness. I mean, she almost cried her eyes out when she saw me kill a sabrecat that was attacking me. Anyway...

Gabby was wondering at the beauty of the city while we walked the streets of the market, towards the Blue Palace. I was hoping to catch a quick audience with the Jarl before visiting times concluded. Falk Firebeard nodded to me and ushered me towards the throne as I approached. Gabby smiled and waved brightly, her mood utterly undeterred by the many scars and bruises I bore because of her impotence. Firebeard raised his eyebrows at me, and Jarl Elisif just stared quietly.

"Hello, my Jarl," I said to Elisif, bowing slightly.

"I like your big chair!" Gabby shrieked suddenly, pointing right at the Jarl.

Sibyll, the Jarl's court mage, looked ready to punch Gabby in the face, and I covered my own face with my hands in embarrassment. _God...why me…?_

The rest of the meeting went fairly smoothly, after I gave Gabby a roll of paper and some charcoal to play with. While she was busy happily drawing carrots with faces and some freaky long-haired boy with a lily-pad on his head (she liked to call him "Pond Boy"), Firebeard, Elisif, and I worked out a plan to deal with the necromancers in the cave. It only took a few minutes, and soon I was gesturing to my friend to get up off of the floor so we could go.

"Look, Zach!" she said. She held up the roll of paper she'd been art-ing on. "I drew a picture of a ninja!"

I glared down at the paper. Some idiotic-looking anime weaboo faggot stared up at me from the page, with blond spiky hair and an orange jumpsuit. He had whiskers drawn on his face and a speech bubble that said "BELL-EEVE IT" over and over again. Sibyll rolled her eyes.

"Come on, Gabby, let's go." I grabbed her hand and helped her up.

"Just be careful," the court mage said. "There are vampires out there, brazenly attacking people in the streets. It's starting to become a real problem."

Gabby's eyes widened. "Vampires?! Oh em gee, do they sparkle in the sun?!"

Sibyll looked stunned. "What? No, they don't - I mean - what?"

I grabbed Gabby by the arm and dragged her out of the throne room. "Thank you, Jarl Elisif. We'll be going now."

I walked with Gabby back out into the streets. It was dark. It was late. I was exhausted. "Let's find a bed to sleep in. There's an inn near the front gate of the city. We'll rest there for the night."

Gabby just nodded. We walked towards the Winking Skeever. I was eager for a hot meal and a soft bed. The street was nearly empty. Everyone was either at home or heading there, so the area was quiet and peaceful. Then, everything changed when the vampires attacked.

It was pandemonium. Five or six Volkihar Vampires flooded into the streets and began killing indiscriminately. I grabbed Gabby by the arm and pulled her to my side, readying a fireball spell to deter the nightwalkers. "Stay behind me!" I commanded.

She must have been pretending it was opposite day, because the first thing Gabby did upon hearing my orders was to run out into the middle of the street, screaming her lungs out, waving her arms over her head like a maniac. The vampires actually slowed their assault to watch the insane display. Gabby whooped and hollered as loudly as she could, before falling onto the stone street and rolling around in the dirt.

"Gabby, get away!" I cried in desperation.

The vampires just stood there, stunned, staring at Gabby's fit. It was like she was possessed or something. I was beginning to get genuinely frightened, and I started to back away slowly.

Then, all at once, Gabby got to her feet, and starting yelling out a song at the top of her voice. "LAAAAAA LALALA LALA LA LA KATAMARI DAMACI! KATAMARI DO YOUR BEST!"

She then curled up into a ball on the ground and started rolling at an inhuman speed towards the vampires, who freaked out. They tried to outrun or outmaneuver her, but it was no use. They couldn't escape her. As she touched each vampire at least once, they stuck to her body like they were glued on, and the ball of human bodies got bigger as it amassed more and more victims. Finally, all the vampires were captured, and we were safe.

"Gabby, you did it!" I triumphantly congratulated her.

She didn't hear me. She was still rolling. Rolling and rolling. Gathering more and more of the city into her katamari. Animals, plants, people, merchant stands, beams of wood, stones, and so on. All were sucked into the gaping maw of Gabby. She began rolling over entire buildings, collecting them and adding them to her ball, rolling haphazardly and crooked.

"Gabby," I cried. "Stop! You're killing people!"

It was true. The animals and people she had collected were getting crushed under the weight of and rest of the debris, but still she rolled.

"GOTTA GO FAAAAAAST!" she yelled from the center of the enormous katamari.

She stopped across the city way, staring me down. And then she advanced. She went so fast she was redshifting, and I couldn't escape. I prepared a Shout, and then let loose Unrelenting Force.

"FUS RO DAH!"

The katamari exploded into a rain of body parts and pieces of wood and stone. I used my trusty umbrella to avoid being crushed by the raining garbage. Gabby stood in the center of it all, looking dazed and mystified. I walked up to her, and got her attention. "Want to share my umbrella?"

Gabby looked at me, smiled, and nodded. Then, without warning, she pulled back a fist and punched me as hard as she could, right in my face. I blacked out, and then immediately woke up. I was in bed, in my room. My XBox 360 was still on, and Skyrim was paused on my television.

"Welp," I said to myself. "That's the last time I have pizza before bed!"

I turned off my XBox and got under the covers of my bed. I snuggled up with a stuffed animal and prepared to go back to sleep. "Thank goodness it was all just a dream."

"Weeeell…." a voice said next to me. "I wouldn't say_ that_."

My eyes shot open. Cho'gath, Brian Griffin, Rainbow Dash, Mordecai, and some dude with a big afro that I'd never seen before were standing next to my bed, staring down at me. Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT

THE END(?)


End file.
